Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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