After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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