I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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