Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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