saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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