you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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