pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
