Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
