Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
