Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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