some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Still dying that you shit outside
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
