Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
