People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
