Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
