Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
