I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
