Little spoons don't ask big questions
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
