it's too hot outside to masturbate.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
