If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
