I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
