did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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