you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
