one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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