a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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