On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
