If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
