Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
