I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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