She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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