You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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