My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
