do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
