I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
