Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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