I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
