Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
