She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
