Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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