I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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