I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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