My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
