See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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