I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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