I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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