you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
