I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
