I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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