Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
