Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
