White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
