i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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