Whod you bang
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
