You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
