k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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