im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
