Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
