My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
