I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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