i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
