Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize