There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
