I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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