sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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