i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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