i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
