I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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