I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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