You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
